Practicing medicine for nearly 50 years has put me in touch with nearly every aspect of the human experience. However, just when I would think I had seen everything, something new would come along. This is one of those stories.
Marvin came over the Teton Pass several times each year to see me for one of those common, potentially lethal, urologic conditions that require careful monitoring. Although he and his wife had a home in Jackson Hole, he actually worked in Alaska on the Trans-Alaska Pipeline System. They had a working arrangement — he worked hard in Alaska, saving most of his salary; she took care of everything else at home so he didn't have to worry about things at home while he was away. His generous salary allowed him to fly home about every three months and deposit $25-30K in The Bank of Jackson Hole. Like many of my patients from Jackson Hole, Marvin was larger than life and expected special service. He told me how fortunate he was to enjoy working hard, have a red Cadillac, a wonderful wife who took care of everything for him, and still save enough money for a comfortable retirement. My office staff was very skilled at accommodating his medical needs, and his large personality -- he just glowed whenever he left the office.
Later that year, it was quite a different picture. Marvin was unusually quiet and reserved — even with the good news of normal tests and exams. I mentioned that he seemed a little subdued and asked him if anything else was bothering him. He told me that his wife had died. I did not understand why my surprise and condolences were dismissed until he told me what was really bothering him.
After his last visit, Marvin returned to work. Upon his arrival in Alaska, there was an urgent message that he needed to return to Jackson Hole -- his wife had been found dead, lying on the living room floor of their home. He met with the police, who had determined that there had been no foul play, and with the coroner suspected sudden cardiac arrest. He met with the mortician and planned a respectful funeral with beautiful flowers, a casket, and burial arrangements. Overcome with grief, he could not focus on any of the usual household affairs. When he opened the mail, he found that there were only a few hundred dollars in the bank. Numb and confused, he returned to the mortician and told him that he could not afford the beautiful funeral arrangements. He chose cremation and a simple urn. His grief was replaced with disbelief as he went through her things — expensive jewelry and clothing that he had never seen, beautiful shoes concealed in old shoeboxes, and ticket stubs for his wife and her male traveling companion for first-class travel to exotic resorts. It was evident that she had been living by the mantra, “You can’t take it with you.”
Marvin put the urn on his fireplace mantle. For a few evenings, he sat in the living room -- staring at the urn, drinking bourbon. The more he sat there, the more he drank. One evening he picked up the urn, took it into the bathroom, and shook the ashes into the tote, flushing her away. Then he told me that wasn’t all. “When I get up each morning, I get to go into the loo and give her my greetings.”
Author’s notes on HIPAA, editorial license, and storytelling: Marvin was a real patient. It is beneficial that I have forgotten his actual name, and randomly assigned him a pseudonym, which may turn out to be real -- or not. The Bank of Jackson Hole is also real and may or may not have been the financial institution involved in this story— if they were, they can’t tell us. In addition, Marvin’s quotation has been modified to protect the sensitive types and allow this story to be printed in a community newspaper. There are no common statistics on husbands who flush the ashes of their spouse when they discover infidelity post-mortem. In a recent Steve Harvey, TV poll, of 100 women surveyed, 37% said they would flush their husband's ashes if they discovered he had been unfaithful.
If your name is Marvin, and you are offended by this story, please stop reading this column. However, if you are like the rest of us, this is a reminder to periodically check on the whereabouts and movement of our spouse and money, wherever they are kept. If you are Marvin and this story finds you, please contact me if you have an update -- I may have a lead on someone who wants to buy your urn.
Ever vigilant,
RT
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